OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old: