(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!