Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.