@JennyJohnsonHi5: Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you're spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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@BossyBritches72: Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what's wrong, but I'm not falling for it.
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview] How would you improve our business? "Dude, I'd bankrupt you in a week. I'm just catchin Pokemon in your office."
@GrantTanaka: Wife's been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o's on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help