@JennyJohnsonHi5: Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you're spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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@geowizzacist: 3 (calls out): daddy I'm cleaning the floor with a mob. Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that's a mob
@TheHyyyype: [commandos infiltrating enemy fortress] COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we've got company! COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
@SenatorBigfoot: *dies & becomes a ghost* Wow! The philosophical & theological repercussions of this are staggering! I've got to tell-- *is eaten by Pac-Man*
@pauleggleston: I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that'll come back to bite me.