@JennyJohnsonHi5: Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you're spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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@bourgeoisalien: Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn't even hallucinate one time.
@jergarl: Wife: Were you drunk last night? Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why? W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos M: Ohhh
@ElleOhHell: HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar* BARTENDER: Why the long fa-- HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?