Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
🌱🌱🌱
What the hell is going on?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for