MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
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Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
starting a garage orchestra
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Love it! 👍😂
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”