MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*