@punmagnate: MAYOR'S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it's really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
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@MondayPajamas: Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
@aveuaskew: Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a "take charge kind of guy" is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
@slimmy_shady: My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.