@punmagnate: MAYOR'S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it's really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
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@XplodingUnicorn: My wife and I divided up the important talks we'll have with our daughters. She'll handle puberty, sex, and college. I'll handle zombies.
@LizHackett: It's 11:48 PM. You can't sleep. Underneath your bed, there's a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
@iAmDelFreaky: Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.