#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
greetings!
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!