MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
You Might Also Like
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If you had more money you’d be happier.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?