I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
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(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.