(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
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[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.