(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
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It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
me after eating Cheetos
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Why I divorced her.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us