[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
You Might Also Like
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Feel. He’s so soft.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.