McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
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*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Tell the colonel to bring it
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping