@KhrisWarhol: McDonalds can't extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.
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@collinwithtwoLs: *brings a gun to a knife fight* *brings a gun to a pillow fight* *brings a gun to a food fight* who keeps inviting this guy
@KeetPotato: wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?
@IRLPepperMD: [911 call] IM GETTING EATEN- *pause* Ok one sec. *holds phone away from mouth* Are you an alligator or a crocodile? *pause* Cool. ITS A CRO-