the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan