McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
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Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.