McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
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I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke