[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
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Groundhog Day
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I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
😆this is so true
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.