[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH