[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
sry
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.