the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I can’t stop laughing at this
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Noah was an idiot.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts