I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision