McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
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You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
This rocks
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*