Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes