‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
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Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
A short story of betrayal:
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers