@lazerdoov: Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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@aparnapkin: if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it's hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
@5hael: Do you think it's weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
@thetobbie: Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn...
@BromanConsul: GOD: hey my son is broken, he won't absolve the sins of mankind IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again