Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
crazy
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*