@TheTweetOfGod: McDonald's sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
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@onelongbender: Dave is coming over. "Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he's Spider-Man?" [loud thud on the roof] BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE
@ch000ch: wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like "u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth"
@iAmDelFreaky: If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die. "Sorry sir, we are closed." FIRE! "Good morning." FIRE!
@HughGoesThere: Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night. Her: I'm sure it was an impersonator. Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.