Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
🤣🤣🤣
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
opening twitter today
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.