Wish all of my viruses were this polite
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Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My background check bounced.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.