@PyrBliss: McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won't be long before you're dead.
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@envydatropic: If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
@murrman5: [trying to avoid awkward silence on first date] you ever see a horse throw up? "no" *smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Him: Will you proofread this essay for me? Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don't need to prove it to you everytime you write something.