I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
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“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
The struggle is real
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
They’re really bad with fonts.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
#StillHurts
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
my mom making me talk to relatives
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.