you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
You Might Also Like
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
🙋♀️
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”