haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
New mindset, who dis?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis