[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
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“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
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blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
*frowns in Scottish*
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side