[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
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How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
ok like just. call me at this point
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
termite twitter scares me
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*