[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
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*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
This is what makes twitter great
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these