McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
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Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Extremely relatable.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
This is why I don’t delete Facebook