The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.