PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
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*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
my professor scared me for a second
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.