me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
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The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Happy birthday to all the women
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.