Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
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[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…