ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
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Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Sign at work today
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Hit me in the face with a bird
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Tell the colonel to bring it
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “