ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Mornin. * use accordingly
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?