me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?