Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
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*puts my mental health in rice
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.