Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
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Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
happy valentine’s day to me
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes