Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
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You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.