sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week