ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Saturday
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Hot hot hot 🥵
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.