People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
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Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?